


rayons du soleil

by ghostangel



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: AFTG Exchange, Christmas, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, a bit of 'this did weird things to my heart', christmas gifts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:40:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21822322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostangel/pseuds/ghostangel
Summary: Jeremy gets sick and tries to hide it from Jean. Feelings and miscommunication follow. Everything turns out fine in the end!Gift for @wesawbears on tumblr for the aftg winter exchange.
Relationships: Jeremy Knox/Jean Moreau
Comments: 6
Kudos: 85
Collections: AFTG Exchange Winter 2019





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first jerejean fic! I hope it is good akajflsl

The idea of alternative worlds and timelines always haunted Jean. He wondered if somewhere, in another world, there was a Jean who never became a raven. Maybe he grew up in France and went to university. A Jean that went on vacation with his family in Nice or Marseille. Maybe he spent his summers in the sun, swimming, and eating those delicious almond cookies. A Jean who never lived in the Nest, a Jean who doesn’t hate Christmas.

He could only remember celebrating Christmas once before getting send off to the Ravens. He lived in Paris back then. Everywhere you looked there were Christmas lights and trees, people carrying gifts and being drunk. Their tree touched the ceiling of their house and it was full of mirror-like Christmas ornaments. His mother used to make this delicious cake, but he has long forgotten the name and taste of it. 

He was wearing a jacket and a scarf. Winters weren’t as cold as they used to be. His hands were freezing though. He wished he had some gloves. 

Jean had only just started drinking. It was forbidden to do so in the Nest and besides he didn’t really want to drink around Riko. The thought of him send chills down his spine. 

Him and Jeremy entered the pub. The atmosphere was warm, people were drinking, dancing, laughing. They sat at the bar and ordered two beers. Jeremy started talking about the upcoming games and their tactics and about how they should train more, but he didn’t want to exhaust anyone and blah blah blah. Jean really couldn’t stand how kind and thoughtful he was sometimes. He wasn’t used to people like him and it made him feel uneasy sometimes. 

Jeremy ordered a second beer and then a third one. He was already getting a bit tipsy. Jean couldn’t help but notice him a bit more. It was as if his golden curls and bright smile were illuminating the whole room. His skin was tanned and smooth and he really wanted to touch it to see exactly how soft it was. He once knew a boy like him. He was a new Raven his third year in the Nest. Riko broke him too soon. He had no idea what happened to him. 

“So what do you want for Christmas?” Jeremy suddenly asked, bringing Jean’s thoughts to a halt.

The question took Jean by surprise. He wasn’t used to receiving gifts. 

“I noticed you don’t have enough warm clothes,” he said. “Maybe I should get you a jumper or a hoodie or a pair of gloves-”

Jeremy suddenly stopped. He made a weird sound and his hand came up to his mouth - and he started running towards the toilet. Jean was surprised. He had seen the other boy drink whole bottles of vodka or rum before, but never throwing up.

He went to the toilet and knocked at the only closed door. “Hey,” he said. “It’s Jean. Are you okay?”

No reply.

“Jeremy, can you hear me?” he tried again.

Then, the door opened. Jeremy was pale and sweat was running down his forehead. He walked passed Jean, not looking at him even once. 

“I’m alright,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”

And then he left the place, leaving Jean alone and confused, wondering what the hell just happened.

Sometimes Jean could tell when he was dreaming. It was like trying to watch a movie through a dense fog and commenting on the weird and silly things that were happening, but not being able to change it, not even one bit. That’s what it felt like.

Sometimes Jean couldn’t tell when he was dreaming. He would only realize it after he had woken up screaming. He mostly forgot these dreams, but not the feelings they would make him experience. Jean always had a feeling that all of his nightmares were about Riko.

This was one of those nights. Jeremy woke him up, calling his name. He was standing next to his bed, but not touching him. He had only made that mistake once, the first night Jean was screaming in his sleep. He got punched for that. 

Jean opened his eyes and for a moment he didn’t recognise him. But, as soon as his head cleared up, he hugged Jeremy. He generally didn’t like getting physical like that - with anyone. But at nights like this he really needed this. It reminded him of the way his mother used to hold him when he was a kid or of the way Kevin sometimes comforted him in secret. No one was allowed to see them. Kindness was punished in the Nest.

Jeremy wrapped his hands around Jean and let him breath. He felt his eyes watering and aching, but he never let the tears fall. After Jean calmed down a bit he went to the kitchen and brought him a piece of chocolate. 

He knew this dance far too well. 

Everyone knew that both Laila and Alvarez picked the best christmas gifts for everyone. They always knew what was best for each of their teammates. Except Jean. He really was a difficult person to solve. Not that anyone could blame him. 

So, they decided to take him with them and choose his gift together. Obviously they couldn’t take no for an answer. 

Jean didn’t really want anything in particular. They first went to an electronics store. Laila asked him if he wanted headphones maybe. Jean said he doesn’t listen to music. She almost had a stroke and they left.

Then, they went to an exy store. Jean didn’t like the quality of any of the equipment there. Alvarez sighed and said something about him being snobby.

After half an hour of walking around they ended up in a clothes shop. He was mindlessly walking around, pretending to look at clothes, but he didn’t really like any of them. 

That’s when he saw it. It was an oversized hoodie, in a very nice and warm shade of yellow. In the center, three words were printed in a vintage white fond; rayons du soleil. 

It immediately reminded him of Jeremy. Kevin had once told him about an old writer named Heliodorus. It meant gift of the sun. Jean wasn’t exactly sure why he just remembered that. 

When Laila and Alvarez saw him looking at it, they were very confused. It didn’t look like something he would like. Maybe it was the french that caught his eye. They decided to buy it for him. But Jean was never meant to wear it, it was made for someone else.

Jeremy was getting worse. He tried to hide it. He even tried to avoid Jean, but that didn’t work out. He was pale and exhausted all the time. His head was spinning and his stomach felt like he had swallowed a rock. The doctor told him it was a rare disease. They couldn’t do anything for him. The only cure was the person he loved, to love him back. Until then he would continue throwing up flowers until they choked him.

That day, when he went back home after practice, Jean was cooking. It was maybe the first time he had seen him do that. He was making chicken soup with lots of ginger. He thought Jeremy had caught a cold. 

Jean was one of those people who firmly believed in the power of chicken soup and ginger, even though he had never cooked it himself before. 

It really made Jeremy sad seeing him like this. He didn’t know the truth and he would never find out. He entered the kitchen and Jean smiled at him. This was killing him. 

He sat down on the table. 

“I think you should go see a doctor,” Jean said, as he was moving around the kitchen. His movements were fast and not very delicate. It was obvious he didn’t really know how to move around a kitchen. Jeremy loved that weird dance. He loved the sight of him. He loved him.

“You should cook more often,” Jeremy said, changing the subject.

“You should fuck off”, Jean replied, but he was smiling.

They kept talking about exy and their upcoming games. Jeremy was analysing the weaknesses of their next opponent, when Jean let out a sudden scream, scaring him to death. That dumbass had touched a hot spatula. He quickly got up and took Jean’s hand in his own to inspect it. It was slightly burnt. He quickly pulled him towards the kitchen sink, opened the tap and put his hand underneath the cold running water.

“Or maybe you shouldn’t try to cook ever again,” Jeremy said.

Jean gave him a pained look. As they were standing there, too close, so very close, their hands touching, Jeremy’s heart was pumping. He let go of Jean’s hand and distanced himself a little. He was feeling dizzy and tired. He wanted to throw up again.

His hand quickly came up to his mouth and he ran to the toilet. 

Jean didn’t know what was happening. He didn’t know what was wrong. Jeremy was acting very strange lately and, frankly, he was annoyed by it. He had started regretting caring, regretting trusting Jeremy, regretting thinking he was a good person. He was avoiding him and shutting him out, but Jean hadn’t done anything to deserve this. And on top of all that Jeremy was getting sicker and sicker, but he didn’t want to discuss it and Jean had no idea why he kept vomiting.

He was getting more and more aggressive on the court, more and more hostile towards his   
teammates. He kept starting fights with Alvarez in every practise. He pushed himself harder and harder everyday on the court. It was his way of forgetting. The only way he knew off.

He was sitting at the kitchen table. There was a cup of coffee in front of him. He kept touching it, lifting it, but never drinking from it, spinning it around. It was still very hot and his burnt hand was suffering. But, he kept forgetting about it and touching it again and again.

He heard the door open. He slowly got up and exited the kitchen. Jeremy was sprawled on the couch, eyes closed, one hand touching his forehead. Jean stayed still. He suddenly didn’t know what to do with himself. Sit down? Talk? Leave?

Jeremy opened his eyes. He looked very very tired. He didn’t say anything, just stared at Jean. 

“How are you feeling?” Jean asked.

“Absolutely fantastic,” Jeremy murmured.

“Did you go to the doctor?” he continued.

“No,” Jeremy said and Jean’s patience was running low.

“Don’t you think it’s time to?” 

“Not really.”

“Jeremy!” Jean shouted. It was like a glass falling and breaking, shattering the silence. “You are sick and you are not taking this seriously! What are you even doing? Maybe you need medicine or-”

“And why do you care?” Jeremy shouted back, standing up. 

Jean was taken aback. He hadn’t seen that coming. Jeremy never raised his voice. To anyone.

Jeremy let out a frustrated groan and stormed towards the bathroom. He slammed the door behind him. The other boy knocked and knocked, but Jeremy wouldn’t answer or open the damn door. Jean lowered himself and sat down. His back against the door, he was facing the kitchen. His coffee should have gone cold by now. He didn’t get up.

“Jeremy,” he said again, “Can you at least talk to me?”

The voice from the other side of the door sounded coarse and very close. Maybe Jeremy was also sitting down. Jean could imagine their backs touching, without the door in between. 

“I don’t know what to say to you” he said.

“Why don’t you start with the truth?” Jean whispered.

After a while, he started dozing off, welcoming the darkness of sleep, while millions of thoughts were crossing through his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

Jean woke up, drenched in sweat. He had forgotten about what he was dreaming off the moment he opened his eyes. He was lying still, frozen in his bed. He knew that feeling far too well. He was just waiting for it to pass so he could move and sleep again. Suddenly he realised, he didn’t know how he got into his bed. The last thing he could recall was falling asleep outside the bathroom. Jeremy must have moved him there.  _ Jeremy. _

He turned his head. Jeremy’s bed was empty. Jean slowly got up. His head felt heavy, his limbs moving on their own. There was light coming from the kitchen. He dragged himself into the room, the light hurting his eyes. 

Jeremy was cleaning the fridge. He had emptied it and covered every surface with the food that was inside. Cleaning, Jean had noticed, was a nervous Jeremy reaction. He leaned on the door frame, watching him. 

It took Jeremy quite some time to notice Jean. He turned to grab a bottle of some kind of cleaning product when he saw him. He momentarily froze and turned to look at the other boy. There was an awkward silence between them. 

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Hey,” Jean said, in a sleepy tone. 

They stayed still for a while. Jean sighed. He decided to move. He opened a drawer and took a bar of chocolate out of it. Then, he moved some stuff around and hopped on the kitchen counter. Jeremy only moved after Jean offered him a piece of chocolate. He made his way through the packages that were spread all over the place and sat next to Jean.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Jeremy asked.

“I don’t remember” Jean replied. 

They weren’t looking at each other. Jean hated this. When he first joined the Trojans, he didn’t want to change teams, he didn’t want to meet new people, he didn’t want friends. Trust was just another word in the dictionary for him. He was scared of Riko, but he was also  _ terrified _ of leaving him. He wasn’t used to making choices. They always brought terrible consequences upon him. As Kevin used to say,  _ ενός κακού μύρια έπονται.  _

Jean suddenly smiled. Yes, Kevin was that asshole that would casually use a greek saying to show off. They hadn’t seen each other in a while. Jean missed him a bit. 

“Do you want to talk about what happened today?” Jeremy asked.

Jean was, for the second time that day, very surprised. He didn’t expect Jeremy to bring this up. 

“I cannot talk to you about it,” the boy continued, “but I promise it’s not very important. It’s not that I don’t trust you. But it’s better like that.”

Jeremy smiled faintly. Jean was tired. Tired of not knowing the truth, tired of Jeremy lying to him, tired of hearing the word trust in between lies. 

He sighed again and hopped off the counter. As he turned his back to Jeremy, the other boy grabbed his hand. Jean turned to look at him, but before he could say anything, Jeremy’s eyes widened and he brought his other hand to his mouth. He was about to throw up again. He tried to run to the bathroom, but he stumbled on one of the things he had taken out of the fridge and left lying all over the floor. Jean tried to catch him, but he wasn’t fast enough. Jeremy fell and Jean immediately kneeled down next to him. 

“Are you hurt?” he asked, while scanning Jeremy’s whole body, momentarily forgetting he was about to vomit. 

Then, Jeremy opened his mouth, hundreds of flowers petals pouring out. Jean flinched and backed away, hitting his head into a cupboard. The flowers were bright pink with golden veins. They looked beautiful.

Jean instantly recognised the disease. Riko used to make fun of it all the time, the same way he always used to mock  _ love _ .

Jean’s ears were ringing and his head was spinning. Now, he also wanted to throw up. Jeremy loved someone. He loved someone who didn’t love him back and this idiot was going to die from it. 

While Jean was staring at the flowers, eyes wide and full of fear, Jeremy had crawled on the other side of the kitchen. He was sitting down, hugging his legs like a little boy.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t want you to see that. I didn’t want you to know.”

Tears streamed down his face. He frantically tried to wipe them with his hand. Jean never thought he would see Jeremy in this state.

Apparently Jean was crying too. He didn’t noticed it at first. His voice cracked when he spoke.

“Who is it?” he said.

“I can’t tell you that,” Jeremy replied.

Jean suddenly got up and crossed the room. He sat down in front of Jeremy. The other boy avoided his gaze.

“Jeremy,” he said. “Please, look at me. This is very serious. How long has it been since you got sick? You can die from it, you idiot!”

“You can do nothing to help me” Jeremy responded. 

Jean was about to explode. He couldn’t believe Jeremy was being so reckless. He didn’t want to lose him. 

“Just tell me who it is!” he tried again. “I’ll help you any way I can, I promise.” His voice cracked again, “Jeremy,  _ please _ .”

He placed his hands on the other boy’s face and wiped one of his tears with his thumb. Jeremy looked at him. His eyes were red and looked bigger and brighter. They broke Jean’s heart.

“It’s you”, Jeremy whispered. 

Jean froze. It felt like his heart skipped a beat and his brain stopped working. He really couldn’t comprehend the words he just heard. He let his hands fall and Jeremy slowly got up. He left the house. 

Jean stayed like that for a little longer. It was like he didn’t know what to do with himself now. He hadn’t realised Jeremy had feelings for him. And now he was sick and was going to choke to death, because Jean didn’t know how to love. 

He only got off the kitchen floor when the first rays of sunlight got into the dimly lit room from the half opened window. He then dragged himself to the bedroom and slept. 

And he dreamt. But his nightmares of Riko had now turned to nightmares about losing Jeremy. He was standing in the middle of a busy road. It was Christmas Eve and everyone was rushing around. Jeremy was in front of him, but then he started walking away. Jean tried to follow him, but it was like he was moving in slow motion. Jeremy was moving further and further away. Jean looked down and he saw flowers growing from the pavement and wrapping around his legs. 

He woke up at 2 o’clock. The sun was high in the sky and Jeremy was still missing. Jean decided to go find him. He washed his face, got dressed and started heading towards Laila and Alvarez’s place. He only later realised he had worn two mismatched socks.

He knocked on the door and Laila opened it. 

“Hi!” she said, full of surprise. 

“Is Jeremy here?” Jean quickly asked. 

“No, why would he be here?” she replied, a worried expression forming on her face. “Did you have a fight?” Laila asked.

“No,” Jean said and made to leave, but she grabbed his hand.

“No, no, no, you are not leaving. You are talking to us about what happened,” Laila said, while pulling him inside the apartment.

They sat next to each other on the couch and Alvarez took a sit in the armchair on his left. 

“Hey Jean!” she said. “So, what is this all about?”

He decided to tell them the truth. It was something he wasn’t used to doing, something that he made him feel uncomfortable. Talking and being open was hard for him, but at that moment he really needed someone’s help. 

“Did you know?” he whispered.

“About what?” Alvarez asked.

“Jeremy has the hanahaki disease.”

“Yes, we knew,” Laila replied.

Jean had started getting angry. “Why didn’t you tell me anything?” he asked. “Did you know it is me he likes?”

The girls now looked surprised. “No, he wouldn’t tell us. Jean, really we didn’t know. Are you sure about it?”

“Yes,” Jean murmured. “He told me himself.”

There was a pause, and then Alvarez decided to ask, “And how do you feel?”

Jean didn’t really know how to answer that question. For starters, he wasn't used to being asked about his feelings. All his life up until now was focused on one thing and one thing only; exy. 

But now it was different. He wasn't part of the Ravens anymore and Riko was somewhere he couldn't reach him. He had started trusting people, having fun, smiling. And most of it was because of Jeremy. He took him out, cooked for him, bought him gifts and always comforted him after having nightmares. Jeremy was always there. He didn't want to lose him. 

Jean told that to the girls. 

Slowly, Laila asked, "Are you sure you don't like him back? Even a little?"

Jean was so confused. What does  _ like _ and  _ love  _ even mean? He let out a frustrated groan and put his head in his hands. 

"I don't know," he whispered. "I don't know."

"I think you should find him and talk to each other with honesty. Avoiding the situation won't solve anything," Alvarez said. 

Jean got up and dragged himself towards the door. "Thank you," he said. "You are right." 

But before he left the apartment Laila stopped him once again. She was holding a paper bag with a ribbon glued onto. 

"Take this," she said. "It's your Christmas gift. We saw you looking at it the other day and we thought you might like it." 

Jean opened the bag to find the yellow hoodie he had seen on that clothes shop. He got it out of the bag. The fabric was extremely soft and it smelled nice. Suddenly, it was like something clicked on his head. 

"Thank you!" he shouted to the girls as he started running. 

  
  
  


Their apartment was dark. He hadn't opened the blinds before he left. Jeremy was sleeping on the couch. 

Jean kneeled next to him and called his name. His face was so peaceful when he was sleeping. Jeremy slowly opened his eyes. 

“Good morning,” he said and pulled himself in a sitting position.

“It’s 3 in the afternoon,” Jean said. 

He sat next to him. Jeremy avoided looking at him. 

“So, do you want to talk?” Jean asked.

“I didn’t tell you about it, because I didn’t want you to feel like it is your fault,” Jeremy blurred out. 

Jean was still holding the hoodie. He threw it on Jeremy’s lap. The other boy unfolded it. He was staring at it surprised. 

“It means  _ rays of sunlight  _ or  _ sunshine _ ,” Jean explained. “Laila and Alvarez bought it for me, but I think it suits you more.”

Jeremy looked at him, confused. He didn’t really understand what Jean was trying to say.

Jean looked away and took a deep breath. 

“Look,” he continued, “sometimes I’m a mess and I know it. I don’t really understand how someone could like me. You are always smiling and you are kind and thoughtful and caring and I really like your eyes and I’m just Jean. I whine a lot and I get angry easily and I cannot trust people. What I am trying to say is, I don’t know how to like someone, I don’t know how to love someone-” 

“Jean, stop. I’m not asking you to do that,” Jeremy interrupted him, but Jean didn’t stop. He had decided to be honest.

“-but I’m willing to try.”

Jean finally turned to look at Jeremy. He smiled a little. The other boy was thunderstruck, his eyes wide, his mouth slightly open. 

Jean leaned in a little and kissed Jeremy softly. It lasted only one second and Jean felt like his heart was about to explode. 

“And before you ask,” Jean said, “yes, I am sure about this.  _ Tu es mon soleil. _ ”

Jeremy hugged the other boy, still confused about what had happened. His heart was pumping and, for the first time in a month, he could breathe properly. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” Jean whispered in Jeremy’s shoulder. 

“You won’t,” Jeremy whispered back. He broke the hug and kissed Jean. 

They stayed like that for a while. After a couple of hours Jeremy decided to cook and they ate together. That night, Jean didn’t have any nightmares. 

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [tumblr](https://ghoostangel.tumblr.com) ! Also if you liked it consider leaving some kudos or comments!!


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